The ocean had the character of a pond yesterday morning. It lay nearly motionless, like some giant jade puddle. Last evening it was another character completely, thrilling, tumbling, incoming tide waves that when I closed my eyes sounded like a little waterfall. I walked a long way yesterday thinking about what lies hidden in the bay and what lies hidden in our hearts, in my heart, listening to the negative tape reel play on and on. I thought a long time about the silent crimes happening all around us, silent victims, silent bystanders, the crimes we perpetuate against ourselves alone in the dark or walking with our lover in the sunshine carrying a bag full of hard things buried so deep we can barely acknowledge it exists.
We have very little love for ourselves because of that albatross we affixed. Think about it. How much do you love and care about yourself, truly? Do you believe that you deserve to be loved as much as you need to give love? If you do, I am glad, truly, and you are blessed. If I loved myself the way I love my son, if I forgave myself the way I’ve forgiven others, what a different person I would be. Someday I would like to love myself enough to tighten up my backbone, tear off the albatross, honor it on some holy fire and walk away from the ashes renewed so I can be strong in the face of doubt, of fear, that I can let go, take chances, smile, allow myself to feel happy, forgive myself truly and be the person I was meant to be. And write without resistance.
Who am I to set myself free? What gives me the right? Oh just wait and see.