Ah, my life just became so much easier. So much lifted off my plate, I’m light as a feather now, carefree and happy. See, whenever anything gets me down and makes me frown, all I have to do is blame Russia. Boom. All better. Don’t believe me? Try it for a week and you’ll see the difference.
Where did all this laundry come from? I know. The Cold War got colder; it’s making me wear woolly socks and extra layers. I blame Russia for all this laundry!
Ah, shit, I ran out of butter. Well, I’ve been so busy reading Breitbart news that I forgot to go to the store. There wouldn’t be any news if it weren’t for Russia. I’m out of butter, Russia, and it’s all your fault!
Dammit, another sock with a hole in it. Well I wouldn’t be wearing holes in my socks if I wasn’t pacing around the house all the time worrying that everything I’m reading might be fake news written by Russians. My socks have holes because of Russia!
Some mornings when I turn my laptop on, the screen goes haywire crazy, opening and closing windows when I hadn’t even touched a thing. My antiviral program was written by Russians. It’s all their fault for letting some weird bug in my machine. I can’t write, and Russia is the reason!
My sofa futon is flat, I can feel the frame in my tailbone, and it squeaks when I move. Made in China, of course. China colludes with Russia, best buddies. My sofa is faulty because Russia wants the world to have stiff backs which leads to poor health which leads to poor thinking. I am dumb because of Russia!!