Tag Archives: love

Moderation Stole My Paddle

18 Saturday Feb 2017

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In a little boat now I can barely control.  Somebody put me here and shipped me out beyond the breakers basically saying, “Sink or swim.”  So I’m out here tryin’ not get brained by the boom, run aground, or caught in a current that takes me out to sea where I dehydrate and hallucinate mermaids, never to be heard from again.

Typical weekday while I think about things and try to learn sumthin’.

So I’m in my little boat now, fumbling for control of my course, fact- and spell-checking along the way, afraid to meet a whale. Afraid to meet a life. Myself.  There’s handbooks here, tattered, yellowed copies of basic seamanship and how to maintenance the engine, spring, summer, fall, and winter.  Hilarious. Might as well be a Yellow pages, for all that.

Abandoning ship, I decide to just fucking paddle a canoe instead. Much easier.  Still afraid of whales and meeting myself but, whatever. Back to the lesson sermon rant thing:

Tonight it’s about moderation. “All things in moderation,” one of my elders used to say. It has a different meaning for me, these days.  All things in moderation–even hate? I wish he was here for me to debate this idea. It’s one I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Hate. Why people have it, why we do it, and can’t we just make the damn thing go away?  Wouldn’t we have stopped hating long ago, if we could?  What’s wrong with hate, anyway, full-fledged hatred for bullshit, weakness, opposition, beliefs, and race? Why can’t I hate without moderation?

And what about love? Why can’t we just off the charts love, love love love everything and everyone not in moderation but in bliss? Love of everything, everyone, a love so deep we want to eat it, wear it, sleep it, assimilate it into our bodies and souls, elevate it to the mountaintops and share the love with the whole world, even with the haters.  Love like my love for pizza and music and the ocean!  It’s free! It’s easy… wait, woah, hold on. Actually love is not always easy. Is hate easy? Why can’t I just hate? Hate the sorrow, the pain, the aggression, ignorance, intolerance, poverty, war, religion, the lack of love, I hate it all! Like I hate bananas or being cold?

All things in moderation?  I dunno.  Where’s my fuckin’ paddle?

Old Black Water*

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Steps up to microphone… “This is dedicated to the one I love…”

she smiles but does not sing.  She just takes a moment to look around at the half-empty hall dotted with leather n black t-shirts, longhairs, miniskirts denim lace and otherwise, smiling sweet faces who came to drink and have a good time with friends. They were eager for some kick-ass music in a place they felt safe waiting for their band to come and play the songs that were part of their bloodstreams.  A brotherhood, a sisterhood, a conclave where they can’t smoke inside, so the habit chases them outside in un-degree weather holy fuck their fingernails turned blue…

I wore my boots because I learned I will get trounced in the mosh pit. I left my purse at home, only carrying cash and my license so they could identify my body when it was all done I always said, jokingly.  I never ate there because it’s not that kind of place. I liked to stand behind the mixing board, explore the balcony upstairs and see what mischief was made but there never was any, just a bunch of empty seats in a tiny theatre that never forgot its stained-glass roots while down below waited a tiny black stage gouged to hell, walls and curtains bordello red,  radio station banners that could have been made by high-schoolers, that was until the headliner came on and the banners rose up into the heavens, up up and away, exposing three stage lights or maybe a fog machine.  The band came, the one we needed to see, even that night when I was in a fever sweat, nothing could keep me away. It’s heaven, it’s passion, strangers no more, we are one when the first chord leaps out of the amps and doesn’t let go for two hours.

and I was “dancin’ with myself oh oh oh oh..

If I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know

I hate myself for loving you… ”

I broke the hand dryer in the lady’s room by accident. Guess I shouldn’t have activated it so hard, you know it sparked and shut down and my girlfriend said I was a beast and that’s not so easy to live down. (Oh, and never, ever, leave home without a few squares of TP in your pocket, there won’t be any in the bathroom by the time you get there no matter how early you arrive.) And don’t look in the men’s room as you walk through the narrow hall, the door is always open (why?) and it’s just not polite. Um… yeah, I did.

The bouncer knows me so he lets me prowl around backstage. I got to wrap some wires and help stow them in the truck when the set was done, sober, because the drinks were bottom shelf, full of ice, but I wasn’t there to get wasted, after all.

In another time and place the American Legion was open across the road from the venue because they knew us folks would want a sip of something cool before the doors opened so we queued up for overpriced water.  That’s all right, it’s a worthy cause.  I wandered their wood paneled establishment, beer in hand, studying black and white photos of the veterans, placards with names and dates, feeling grateful for their service and wondering why there weren’t more Iron Maiden t-shirts at the bar and in my world in general.

But then, it’s all about the music.  The vibe. The reason I show up with my camera stuffed in my pocket. I got your autograph. How about that time you were only five feet away from me, courtesy of a good friend who VIPd me up front. We prayed to the metal gods all those nights, together. I watched the creatures punching the night with their fists in the air, hugging their new friends in the parking lot, waiting for the band to come out and say hello to the stalwart few, sweaty hair freezing on their faces, waking up with that plastic band on their wrist that said they’d been somewhere and had the best night of their lives.

Somewhere. Somewhere that wasn’t the emergency room because somebody brought a gun and his misery and fear and pain and anger into the room.

This is dedicated to the one I love. I got you tucked in my tight jeans, inside my creaky leather jacket, you’re with me on the long drive home beside the river, shimmering with a rainbow of lights in black water, the moon nine days old, none of this a dream. “And no one can take it away.”

*old black water keep on rolling, Mississippi moon won’t you keep on shining on me… Thank you, Doobies.

 

Are You All In?

29 Tuesday Dec 2015

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Ope! There it was. I saw it, just a little bit of joy peeking out from between those majestic, shining, impervious robes of doom and gloom you wear day to day.  Yes, it’s true I reply, sheepishly. A little bit of joy came to me and from me on Sunday. Guilty as charged. (Ohh, I think I need to expound on that one privately, boys and girls.)

Anyway!  This will be my third year as a rookie NY Jets fan. I started watching them after I heard so much moaning and groaning about this team and what a heartache it is to be one of their fans.  Gee, no stretch there, an underdog being drawn to underdogs?  I recall a work associate from years ago, real big Cowboys fan, who said, “If you’re gonna be a fan, BE a fan, not just when they’re winning.” Not sure why that struck me back then. Maybe because he sounded sexy as hell on the phone and worked on motorcycles, or maybe it was something the universe intended for me?  Today I have only an inkling of what means to be a Jets fan, but one thing I know for sure: They’re in, all in, thick and thin.

I gave myself a great day on Sunday.  Haircut. Colored my hair. Bought lots of fresh veggies (ok, and greasy finger food), beer, and set myself up for the game.  Not only did I get to watch the whole game, but the Jets freaking won. I spent 4 quarters and a little sliver of overtime watching two teams work hard (and making some questionable plays), noshing, sipping, jumping up and down, hollering, and I didn’t care if they won or lost. I just wanted this thing to myself, this day, a “me” day, to enjoy.  I had a JOYFUL day, a HAPPY day, one that felt so alien later when I examined it.  Why don’t I do that more often? Oh, Padawan, that’s the question–the rub. The resistance is strong with this one.

Where is my joy, and where is it more often?  When was the last time I sang for joy instead of bleating some cathartic, moribund dirge?  Or–god–danced?  It takes determination and will to want happiness and joy, did you know that?  I didn’t, until a friend turned me on to it. I learned it. Then forgot it in the haze of pain. Often.  I want to tap into the energy of happiness because I know there’s writing, wordsmithing, in there along with it. How easy it is to succumb to what’s beaten me down for so long, every day, and lose sight of the fact that there is a little bit of light in each day, there for the asking. And if I tap into that happiness, maybe, just maybe, I can share it too– if I am strong enough. Brave enough. Part those impervious robes of doom and gloom long enough to let a beam of light come through?  Question marks where I want periods to reign, something solid and sure.

So. What the hell does any of this have to do with writing?  Everything.  Write if it pleases you, when it pleases you.  Create. Use your will above all, beyond all. Fight! Win!  Extinguish everything around you that holds your heart and soul down and put wings on words, darling.  This means you.  Are you all in?

Love.

You Brought It On Yourself

15 Tuesday Dec 2015

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Oh, what, excuse me? You want me to love you?

I’ve got the usual world around me, and I’ve got this other softer, secret, sacred world around me, the one where I write. I deal with the outer world best I can, and I create in this inner world better, and then there’s you (said with disdain.)

You come flying down the hall, leap into my lap unexpectedly, push off my thigh with your claws and squeeze between the monitor and the desk cubby so you can sit at the window beyond so you can do whatever while I rub my thigh where the skin starts to swell and itch, that is how allergic I am to  you.  I wish you weren’t here.

You are currently sprawled across the left side of my desk, on papers, next to notebooks, calendars, and my dad’s journal.  You do the same thing all the time, your back feet pushing away my favored pictures and knickknacks so you can have more room.  You are Sphinx, paws before you, looking at me softly, saying nothing at all, but it is still a challenge, those green-yellow eyes and gray paws next to my keyboard your body saying “Touch me, stroke me, love me, I dare you.”  But I don’t touch you, you horrible gray thing who sits quietly on top of papers in my office that I did not invite.  If I touch you, you will think I like you, acquiesce to your need, you get what you want, just like everyone else who gets what they need from me just because they are near, they smile, they ask in a sweet way. Fuck you! Get off my fucking desk, I did not invite you into my world, my place, and I have to leave my office to hit the bathroom because it’s that early morning 18 cups of coffee thing I have to relieve, and when I come back you are still there but no longer looking at me but sprawled on your side on top of my papers.   At least I don’t have to touch your paws and make nice with you, but I still can’t stand the fact that you are here, leaving your hairs everywhere and the throb of your claws in my leg has not subsided.

You crawl on top of me in bed when I turn out the lights exhausted, between my legs, 20 pounds of you alighting on my bladder, abdomen, ribs, face, making your home in my hair and my pillow. You are not happy until you knead my head and hair for ten minutes, then you go back to the end of the bed where my feet should be, but I can’t sleep straight because you’re in the way.  You puke on my expensive quilt covered in seashells and starfish or shit on it because  you hate your litter box, and you expect me to love you and pet you and endure you and your 99 problems.

I suppose God has the same feelings as I do right now towards humanity.  I made you, you are in my life, you’ve got issues you needy things who tear each other apart and this world that I created and now you want me to love you? They look up towards me with their green-yellow eyes curled up on their sides immersed in bad dreams, hoping for solace in between the heartbeats of their lives, but no, I hate you, I am angry with the shit you leave all around, and I hate myself for the hate you make me feel in the morning when I should feel agape and speechless at the color of morning, and the birds and the memory of the stars I left behind.

How hard it is for me, this goddess, to love the things that hurt me every day (or the goddess who suffers the hurts you gave me these 18 and 20 years.)  I know for the most part they don’t mean to hurt me but they do.  How hard is it for me, this goddess, to return love and patience to creatures who don’t understand me.  Soft, gentle, needy beings, feline or human who deserve love, in all their imperfections.  Goddess, do you need to bend to love the imperfect things that love you, or is it enough to be, and accept those that love you alone.

Oh Goddess would it kill you to acquiesce, renounce anger, show compassion and stroke the grey cat who reclines on your papers and needs just a little bit of love; breathe and listen to those imperfect humans who inhabit your world and listen to them, be merciful and kind instead of offering them your harpy nature and hanging up on them?

Addendum:  1/5/2006.  I’ve made the effort to pet the cat in the morning as she’s curled up on the bed, or greet her with a pet at night when I come home.  There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Showing just a little love in a hateful world?  All it takes is one small act, one pebble tossed into the lake.

Leaving Her Mark On You

24 Tuesday Nov 2015

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There are too many ads for free pussies (photoshopped for maximum cuteness with a byline written by somebody’s sobbing daughter, who get shipped off to good homes, presumably), but this ain’t one of ’em.

This ad is for you rubberneckers, the drive-bys that wonder about that pussy beside the road (‘is she all right, oh let’s stop darling and see what the name says on her collar’, the kind lady’s thought fleets and her husband is too busy thinking about his own pussy that ain’t in the passenger seat telling him where to go and how to get it done, some quiet pussy who dares to fuck with the lights on, lets him come and go as he pleases it’s all the same) to let you know she’s gonna be all right, just leave her alone.

This is a word of advice, an advice column in cyberspace for all you curious about my pussy, mind your business I say, Keep Out, Condemned by Order of the Mayor, I’ll say whatever I have to say to keep you away from my property, my shy little pussy that peeps outside every now and then hides in the weeds crouched behind a Volvo with rotted tires and tired black paint, tired and hungry but not waiting for you, looka how she runs when you try to take her home.  Leave the pussy alone, man, she’s not right for you.

She’s had enough of eating what you feed her, tearing off her claws instead of letting her make her own way,  teaching her what’s proper in your lap, by your table, in your bed, and thou shalt not reproduce, foul pussy, you are too mean and this house is uninhabitable for little ones that need more love, you are all that I can handle, so go sleep on the sill in the sun and dream of chasing mice that live in the red barns of New Jersey like a good pussy.  There are no bad pussies in this home, he says firmly, squeezing her neck, and she squints and purrs, hates and loves, and forgets her missing knuckles for a little while.

There was that one time when the door opened and she ran out from between his legs, she gunned across the road with demon speed, a flash of gray, because she’s an old gray pussy now but she wants to go to her grave starving and alone, a sack of bones happy beside a red barn in New Jersey where the swallows fly. Pussies can’t fly, can they?

Oh yes they can, my darling Scalpel Claw, and they can dream.